WARNING: this a kind of stupid, contemplative, long entry...basically the events of the past years and the FUTURE are going through my mind right now...haven't thought about the past in forever, but have been thinking about the future out of the late...

so the future of me...i've been thinking quite a lot about it recently.
i've said this before and i'll say it again; I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
i mean, in life, we NEVER do. things just happen and kinda change the set "path".
but with me, i guess you could say things are a bit more difficult.
most of us may not know exactly WHAT is going to happen, but we at least are sure of the WHERE; it's just about the only comfort in the uncertainty of the future.

up until about 3 years ago, i was like this. i thought i knew how things were going to go, and i was actually quite right about them. i didn't anticipate all the little details, but i at least knew "where" i was going and headed to in the future. then, things changed. suddenly...they just did and blew everything out of proportion. all my little "plans", "certainties", were completely shattered and i was forced to face the reality of change; what is brings and how things can't always stay the same. it was difficult, and being the person that i am, i almost went crazy and lost myself. luckily, i did not turn out as nuts as expected and was able to deal and adapt.

i admit, i can never go back, and i can't change anything and it SERIOUSLY bugs me...but since when has it not? i've always been the type of person that likes to imagine all little possibilities,and when i think back to the path, the life, the little possibility i had before all this change came and wrecked everything...i feel sad. just kinda sad.

my life now is not exactly perfect, it never was, and i'm not always happy, but i am at least comfortable where i am. and i like that. but when i think about the past and all the little possibilities, it just makes me sad, beyond anything else. what i could've done. who i could've known. who i could been with, everyday, to my heart's content.

i guess i feel kinda sad to have lost that happy, predicted, possibility.
it feels like i've lost something...it feels like i've lost a "life"...a piece of myself i can never get back.

i've had these thoughts now and then and i know i can't ever change anything...
and i'm fine with it. it may not be perfect, but i'm happy where i am (at least most of the time).

i've grown and moved on now, and i've very proud of that!
i still have those lingering thoughts now and then, but... the past is the past and what's happened HAS happened and that is that. and i'm completely fine with it!

what's bugging me now is, where do i go from here? right now, i have no idea what's going to happen in the future. i have my own plans, but change is threatening to disrupt them again. i've definitely grown up and changed since the last time, but what worries me is if i will really be able to deal with all the same drama and sadness that comes with it...
ALL over again.

i definitely have to say i consider myself a very intelligent and wise person, though i may not always look it---ha, but i am. my only "defect" is my stupidity; that sounds like it contradicts the previous phrase, but it's meant in a different way...
i may be a "wise person", but sometimes, i am just plagued with my own stupidity...it's like i see it coming, but do nothing to stop it and let myself just fall prey to the same patterns of stupidity...absolutely STUPID, huh?

the future of me...i have certain, extremely ambitious plans for it. i have it all set out and i KNOW that as long as i work on it and keep at it, i WILL get to where i want to be. it's just a matter of kicking my bad, old habits, to make room for improvement.

these plans of mine...they are quite separate from the plans of everyone around me...
and it scares me...but i know what i want and i want it, so i know i'm going to have to try and give it my all. at this point... i feel kinda of selfish for my way of thinking, of how and what i am forcing myself to leave behind...but that's the way things are, i've learned that. i honestly almost feel like i could just cry and cry about it for on and on...but i've learned that somethings shouldn't be like that. with the way things are going, the way my life has panned out...it's only natural that there are obstacles and suffering. i'm a person that has to deal with hardships and maddening change...that's just the way it is...so what's the point of crying like a baby over such matters, when they keep happening, when they WILL keep happening. i need to just keep my head up and wish for the best...

who ever said being a sure-fire foolish dreamer was easy?